I have some urgent news: there’s an epidemic sweeping the country. So far, scientists haven’t found a cure, but I’m happy to report that it’s preventable. It leaves people looking foolish in front of other people they’re trying to impress at parties and can, in rare cases, cause a breakup of a romantic relationship. I’m talking about RAS Syndrome.

Spring is in full swing. The bugs are back, seasonal allergies have come out of hiding, and “for sale” signs in front yards are as plentiful as dandelions. If this were a cartoon, all my Realtor friends would have cash register “ka-ching” sounds going off while dollar signs appeared in their puffy, pollen-plagued eyes.

There is no future. Feel free to go back to bed now.

You probably think I’m referring to the fact that we recently took a picture of a black hole, or maybe that climate change is happening at such a rapid pace it seems as if our planet is a lost cause...

If having kids has taught me anything, it’s that I’m never going to be on time for anything again in my life. At best, I’ll be ten minutes late with at least one person crying and at least one person sporting an unidentified stain. But if time is all relative, does it really matter? Unfortunately, yes. In our culture of scheduled meetings, being time savvy is important.

I appreciate reader feedback, and I try to respond to each email and letter I receive. Believe it or not, at least seven of you are reading Grammar Guy on a consistent basis! That’s humbling.

I had a friend visit me the other day to tell me about a problem. I listened to her secret shame and consoled her. Under the veil of anonymity, she agreed to allow me to use her issue, but not her real name. For our purposes, we’ll call her Gwenifer.

Going on a coffee run for your coworkers sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it? Not only do you seem considerate of their caffeine needs, but you also offer to pay (usually), which makes you seem generous. You’re the hero of the office! But then you have to take down all their complicated orders…

I have a five-year-old son. Right now toilet humor is big. Body parts are funny. Things that produce bad smells get big laughs. Basically, I’m in my sweet spot for my son thinking I’m hilarious. Apparently, I act my shoe size more than I act my age. I’m okay with that.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ancient Romans used all capital letters, no spaces and no punctuation. Can you imagine that?

I need a milk butler. “Need?” you ask, followed by, “What’s a milk butler?” Feel free to replace those question marks with interrobangs if you want.

I’m sure pleats will eventually come back into style. I still remember the pleated khakis I wore to church in the mid-1990s. My Dockers brand double-pleated pants complemented my penny loafers to perfection in order to create that “nice-Baptist-guy-all-the-girls-just-want-to-be-friends-with” look I was going for.

I think we have a strong, American impulse that tells us to do something despite someone else’s warning to not do that very thing. I’m sure someone cautioned motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel not to attempt jumping over a box of 50 rattlesnakes followed by two mountain lions in 1965, but he did it anyway.

Chivalry isn’t dead—yet. Follow these tips to make sure your Valentine’s date wants to smooch you into oblivion at the end of the night. After all, yours truly was quite the dating doyen prior to shifting my interests to grammar.

Last week I discussed the topic of subject-verb agreement. Many of you wrote in and asked about sports teams, particularly sports teams whose names don’t end in “s”: are they considered singular or plural?

You only have to look as far as your social media feed to realize people disagree over just about everything in our current climate. He’s a crook! She’s a liar! You’re crazy! And that’s among friends. It seems like the only thing we can agree on is we can’t agree on anything.

Did you know that “I Am the Walrus” was the B-side to The Beatles’ 1967 single “Hello, Goodbye?” Usually, a B-side served as a virtual throwaway for a band—a discarded song that would never get radio airtime. The focus was always intended for the A-side to shine.

Somewhere in a secret laboratory (probably in Minsk), a team of thermodynamic scientists worked for years to perfect the to-go mug that hermetically traps heat, keeping your coffee or tea hot for hours. They traded handshakes and perhaps a few high fives before scalding their taste buds on some celebratory hot chocolate.

Since Julius Caesar proposed the aptly named Julian calendar in 45 B.C., people have been making bold resolutions to improve themselves. For the record, Caesar’s resolution didn’t work that year, as his best friend literally stabbed him in the back the following year.