All in Grammar Guy

It’s about time we discussed this

If having kids has taught me anything, it’s that I’m never going to be on time for anything again in my life. At best, I’ll be ten minutes late with at least one person crying and at least one person sporting an unidentified stain. But if time is all relative, does it really matter? Unfortunately, yes. In our culture of scheduled meetings, being time savvy is important.

Caught in the meddle

I had a friend visit me the other day to tell me about a problem. I listened to her secret shame and consoled her. Under the veil of anonymity, she agreed to allow me to use her issue, but not her real name. For our purposes, we’ll call her Gwenifer.

I see your point

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ancient Romans used all capital letters, no spaces and no punctuation. Can you imagine that?

How do you plead?

I’m sure pleats will eventually come back into style. I still remember the pleated khakis I wore to church in the mid-1990s. My Dockers brand double-pleated pants complemented my penny loafers to perfection in order to create that “nice-Baptist-guy-all-the-girls-just-want-to-be-friends-with” look I was going for.

Do it anyway

I think we have a strong, American impulse that tells us to do something despite someone else’s warning to not do that very thing. I’m sure someone cautioned motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel not to attempt jumping over a box of 50 rattlesnakes followed by two mountain lions in 1965, but he did it anyway.

Let’s agree to agree

You only have to look as far as your social media feed to realize people disagree over just about everything in our current climate. He’s a crook! She’s a liar! You’re crazy! And that’s among friends. It seems like the only thing we can agree on is we can’t agree on anything.

Beside Myself

Did you know that “I Am the Walrus” was the B-side to The Beatles’ 1967 single “Hello, Goodbye?” Usually, a B-side served as a virtual throwaway for a band—a discarded song that would never get radio airtime. The focus was always intended for the A-side to shine.

One for the history books

Somewhere in a secret laboratory (probably in Minsk), a team of thermodynamic scientists worked for years to perfect the to-go mug that hermetically traps heat, keeping your coffee or tea hot for hours. They traded handshakes and perhaps a few high fives before scalding their taste buds on some celebratory hot chocolate.

The most superlative you

Since Julius Caesar proposed the aptly named Julian calendar in 45 B.C., people have been making bold resolutions to improve themselves. For the record, Caesar’s resolution didn’t work that year, as his best friend literally stabbed him in the back the following year.

Oh, by golly

At some point in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” the Grinch is scheming aloud to his dog, Max, when he asks, “Are you having a holly jolly Christmas?” Even for a guy whose heart’s an empty hole, the Grinch’s question has been bothering me this holiday season.

Set your sights on North Dakota

I didn’t wear glasses until college, which was before I believed in North Dakota. During a lecture hall class, I found myself squinting to see the chalkboard at a distance. After seeing an optometrist, I realized my vision wasn’t that great. As it turns out, I’m near-sighted.