A quick reality check on realty TV

Spring is in full swing. The bugs are back, seasonal allergies have come out of hiding, and “for sale” signs in front yards are as plentiful as dandelions. If this were a cartoon, all my Realtor friends would have cash register “ka-ching” sounds going off while dollar signs appeared in their puffy, pollen-plagued eyes.

An increasingly informal lexicon reflected in Dictionary.com’s newest word list

I can still remember buying my copy of “Webster’s Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language” back in high school. It was raining that day, and I scurried into the local bookstore during lunch. This glorious red rectangle caught my eye with its shimmery gold-embossed letters. I had to have it. This thing was beefy. It contained 1,693 pages. It had the last word (literally) when it came to Scrabble disputes.

There is no future

There is no future. Feel free to go back to bed now.

You probably think I’m referring to the fact that we recently took a picture of a black hole, or maybe that climate change is happening at such a rapid pace it seems as if our planet is a lost cause...

It’s about time we discussed this

If having kids has taught me anything, it’s that I’m never going to be on time for anything again in my life. At best, I’ll be ten minutes late with at least one person crying and at least one person sporting an unidentified stain. But if time is all relative, does it really matter? Unfortunately, yes. In our culture of scheduled meetings, being time savvy is important.

Caught in the meddle

I had a friend visit me the other day to tell me about a problem. I listened to her secret shame and consoled her. Under the veil of anonymity, she agreed to allow me to use her issue, but not her real name. For our purposes, we’ll call her Gwenifer.

I see your point

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ancient Romans used all capital letters, no spaces and no punctuation. Can you imagine that?

How do you plead?

I’m sure pleats will eventually come back into style. I still remember the pleated khakis I wore to church in the mid-1990s. My Dockers brand double-pleated pants complemented my penny loafers to perfection in order to create that “nice-Baptist-guy-all-the-girls-just-want-to-be-friends-with” look I was going for.

Do it anyway

I think we have a strong, American impulse that tells us to do something despite someone else’s warning to not do that very thing. I’m sure someone cautioned motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel not to attempt jumping over a box of 50 rattlesnakes followed by two mountain lions in 1965, but he did it anyway.

Let’s agree to agree

You only have to look as far as your social media feed to realize people disagree over just about everything in our current climate. He’s a crook! She’s a liar! You’re crazy! And that’s among friends. It seems like the only thing we can agree on is we can’t agree on anything.

Beside Myself

Did you know that “I Am the Walrus” was the B-side to The Beatles’ 1967 single “Hello, Goodbye?” Usually, a B-side served as a virtual throwaway for a band—a discarded song that would never get radio airtime. The focus was always intended for the A-side to shine.

One for the history books

Somewhere in a secret laboratory (probably in Minsk), a team of thermodynamic scientists worked for years to perfect the to-go mug that hermetically traps heat, keeping your coffee or tea hot for hours. They traded handshakes and perhaps a few high fives before scalding their taste buds on some celebratory hot chocolate.

The most superlative you

Since Julius Caesar proposed the aptly named Julian calendar in 45 B.C., people have been making bold resolutions to improve themselves. For the record, Caesar’s resolution didn’t work that year, as his best friend literally stabbed him in the back the following year.